Revolting Door

The sun hasn’t come out once since I’ve been back - 4 days. I’m still floating in my personal abyss of jet lag and apathy, with a dash of self-pity.

I’m going to call my hometown Monique. So I’m back in Monique, which is the third largest city of what I’m gonna call EECC.

My Dad has this desease. I hate writing it, I hate saying it and I hate thinking about it so I’m gonna finish this paragraph and probably never talk about it again. Or at least until it sinks in and I stop getting so upset when I think/write/talk about it. Grrr, I’m done talking about it for now. No, I’m not. I’m the daughter of a man who is getting close to being not entirely self-reliant. And I don’t want to get into the melodramatic descriptions I use so often. But I was sad yesterday. Ok, I’m done talking about this now.

Mom is telling me to be careful when crossing roads but she’s the biggest jay walker ever. She seems to be in good health and I hope it remains this way. I’m grateful.

Monique is not that bad. I expected worse.

I feel pretty stressed out about finding a job ASAP. I must’ve been living in some imaginary world where I was the queen and things just came to me. But if I don’t start earning money pronto, I’ll become one of those old ladies who live on $50 a month, talk to themselves and throw their cane at strangers in the grocery store.

USA: When you go out, you don’t have to inform your roommates about your destination intentions.

EECC: When you go out, you absolutely H.A.V.E to inform your roommates (read “your parents”) about where you’re headed, who you’re going with, what you’re going to do and when you’ll be back, even when you’re 29, O.R  E.L.S.E! You better also inform any neighbor you run into on your way out, or you’ll be stigmatized as the Uptight American (Bitch).

I had a fight with one of my best friends back home. It reminded me how much it sucks and hurts to have a fight with someone close to you. It’s nothing like having a fight with someone you don’t really care about that much. It’s having a fight with your past, with an older part of yourself.

I told her that sometimes she makes me not want to call her when I get back home, which makes going home an even more undesirable process. She totally went off on me and played all the dirty cards including “you’re not a real friend if you’re offending me like that” and so on and so forth.

I know I’ll call her when I go back and it’s all going to be fine again. But even though we did keep in touch over the past seven years, we couldn’t stop something major from changing. Being so close to someone is emotionally draining. I am not looking forward to long hours of conversation about mundane things. I am not looking forward to long hours of sitting on the couch with her wasting time watching sleazy pop-folk videos on TV. I am not looking forward to the back scratching she and her mom and her sister shower me with, leaving me feeling drained on the couch, with a mixture of embarrassment and undeserved sense of accomplishment.

We crave close relationships but when we get them we want to run away. Sometimes it’s just easier to live with people who are just not that into you. If it doesn’t get you depressed, it boosts your determination somehow. Another paraphrase of the old cliché “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  

December 12th seems too far away in time to wait out comfortably. At the same time - would I leave right now if I could? No.

Once again, I feel like I have no place in this world, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. There is the comforting pity that makes the feeling of not belonging soothing in a way, of course. But I have experienced the feeling of belonging over brief periods of time and I know that the happiness, joy and fulfillment you get out of it are much more heartwarming than the dwindling comfort of pity.

Transitions are easier when you know what you’re going to instead of trying to figure it out once you get there. And where is there anyway?

I try to convince myself that it’s more exciting this way, more adventurous. But really I’m afraid of people judging me - close people, people whose opinions mean a lot to me therefore I’d prefer to have their support rather than their judgment.

I made a list of the things in Chicago I would take with me if I could:
- A. as a friend
- Z. as a roommate
- super low rent (be careful what you wish for - this one might come true in the sense that an uncertain amount of time living with Mom and Dad might be awaiting)
- my exercise routine
- my friend I.
- my friend L.
- convenient public transportation/bikability/walkability of Chicago

I thought about how I can replace each of these things and I reached the conclusion that I’ll find a way to replace the routines with other routines but not the people with other people.

Mostly I’m scared of losing my support system - A’s love for me, and Z’s positive energy and “doer” attitude. I have to build up some positive energy and “doer”-ability in me to sustain myself over the few months (hopefully not years) of uncertainty following December 12th.