Revolting Door

December 12th seems too far away in time to wait out comfortably. At the same time - would I leave right now if I could? No.

Once again, I feel like I have no place in this world, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. There is the comforting pity that makes the feeling of not belonging soothing in a way, of course. But I have experienced the feeling of belonging over brief periods of time and I know that the happiness, joy and fulfillment you get out of it are much more heartwarming than the dwindling comfort of pity.

Transitions are easier when you know what you’re going to instead of trying to figure it out once you get there. And where is there anyway?

I try to convince myself that it’s more exciting this way, more adventurous. But really I’m afraid of people judging me - close people, people whose opinions mean a lot to me therefore I’d prefer to have their support rather than their judgment.

I made a list of the things in Chicago I would take with me if I could:
- A. as a friend
- Z. as a roommate
- super low rent (be careful what you wish for - this one might come true in the sense that an uncertain amount of time living with Mom and Dad might be awaiting)
- my exercise routine
- my friend I.
- my friend L.
- convenient public transportation/bikability/walkability of Chicago

I thought about how I can replace each of these things and I reached the conclusion that I’ll find a way to replace the routines with other routines but not the people with other people.

Mostly I’m scared of losing my support system - A’s love for me, and Z’s positive energy and “doer” attitude. I have to build up some positive energy and “doer”-ability in me to sustain myself over the few months (hopefully not years) of uncertainty following December 12th.

I know some people/women are craving babies, some are craving men. I’m at that point in life where I’m craving a home. A beautiful, cozy, homey, tasteful space to call mine. In a decent neighborhood. In a relatively warm city. A place I look forward to coming back to when I’m tired; not a shithole I despise coming back to even when I’m tired.

I realize that there’s more to it than a home. There is friends, there is a meaningful job… But the home is what I have on my mind mostly. And what irritates me is that right now I have no idea how to achieve this dream.

Negative 33 Celsius. Sweeeet! Finally!! Been waiting for this moment since April.

I had a religious moment this morning in the car, after I came back from dropping off S at the airport at 5 in the morning, driving on frozen highways with gusting winds and temperatures so low that the non-freezing liquid that cleans the windshield had frozen. After I barely shoved the car in the snow-covered parking lot and turned it off, I put my palms together in the most sincere and heartfelt prayer I’ve said and meant in a long time, thanking whoever “God” is for keeping my ass safe on the road today. Then I got out and ran in the freezing wind from the parking lot to my house, and once I got upstairs and felt the cozy warmth and smell of fresh coffee I thanked for random things, in this particular order - having a home, a warm home (it really feels warm when it’s so cold outside), for my health, my healthy body, for the coffee smell. I’m typing this still with my coat on, debating whether I should go out and have a smoke.

More things to thank about keep coming to mind - the awesome people I’ve met lately, the amazing family I live with. Of course my parents, that’s a given to be always thankful for. But the people in my immediate life right now. The ones for whom I’m not the most important person in the world, but at the same time the ones that keep me happy and un-lonely and create this feeling/illusion that there’s someone who cares for me. That’s a great thing to have in one’s life.

Maybe I should just get some sleep and sober out.

I spent hours today talking and texting back and forth with friends, some current and others long forgotten, latently existing in my network only through the memory of my cell phone address book. It made me think about this network I have built for myself here in the United States in the past six years, going on seven. There have been times of despair, and times of happiness, and a lot in between. I remember the lowest moment when the only thing that kept me from jumping off the bridge in the freezing Chicago river one night in January was the thought of my parents. But I also remember the numerous times of bliss and joy , the kind of times that remind you that moments like that are worth living and waiting and going through all the other crap despite of it all, and I have to say that the highs outnumber the lows by far. Every time I think about something bad that has happened, instantly I realize that out of it came something good, every time, no exceptions. For example, walking back from Walgreen’s at 1AM last night, pack of earplugs in my hand, I realized that it would never cross my mind to go and get earplugs to protect my ears from our loud Thanksgiving guests this year if it wasn’t for the seven horrendous months of sleep-deprivation I went through last year. If I hadn’t had the humiliating receptionist job last year I would’ve never met a couple of great people who might turn into life-long friendships. If I hadn’t gone to business school I wouldn’t know that not all of these people are heartless, inhumane, dollar-sign-eyed monsters. And if I hadn’t gone through the incompatible semi-functional two-year-three-month-long relationship I went through, it would probably take me another X number of years to learn to appreciate myself and not settle for anything less than what really, inherently makes me happy.

On a final note, I have a Master’s degree as of yesterday.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone…

It’s been just a week but it feels like such a long time I haven’t been here.

The past few days it seems like I’ve been out a lot. It also seems like I’ve been alone a lot.

On Friday I met my friend (not sure if this is the correct word anymore) Beth. She was in town with her family. I felt alone while I was with these people. I was trying to be upbeat, social and to portrait this aura of “I don’t care about shit”. I guess I was trying to not do or say anything that would irritate her which is really stupid. I mean how old are we - 13? I met her sister which was nice. So after playing my role somewhat successfully I said bye in the midst of a family drama, and I started walking by the lake, chilly summer evening on the 4th of July. I walked and walked, couples on bikes passing me, skaters, kids on kick scooters. I walked for almost two hours until I finally got home - a trip that would normally take half an hour with the train/bus. I watched the fireworks from my bedroom window.

On Saturday something broke down completely. I came back from class a wreck. I cried for almost an hour and it would’ve gone on if I didn’t have to get on the train and go see this apartment. This girl in my class just has an obnoxious vibe. I don’t even wanna write about it because I might get upset again. Just the obvious fact that someone sees you as something you’re not and someone trying to take advantage of you when you’re weak… People trying to make someone else feel bad so they can feel good… All these things and more. Thankfully I went to a wine bar with some friends in the evening and it took me the whole evening to relax, despite of the laid back atmosphere in the bar, despite of the good wine and soft light and nice people. I finally felt better as we were walking home, me chewing on a mint leaf, tipsy and tired but more myself than I’ve been in the past week altogether.

Today. This photographer stood me up. The walk back was nice though. At least it was warm today. Now I have to catch up on school work because the women from my team are already submitting their parts and I haven’t started the research on mine.

I just don’t know where else to put this. I had so much fun last night. Laughing and dancing and spending time with good friends, no worries on my mind because I felt accomplished after my day, free. I really don’t think my friends ever see me that happy as I was last night. And this morning I was trying to tell her about it, and she goes: “Oh, the place where [name of boyfriend] broke his tooth.” Yeah, on a beer bottle, which he could’ve broken his tooth *anywhere* at. Why do you have to associate it with the most negative aspect you can think of, while I’m trying to tell you that I had fun (for once)? And then you shut up, you shut *me* up, and there it is - spoiled a little bit. And all this tension around her all the time (ok, 95% of the time). I swear I *am* trying to keep an open mind, and I *am* trying to be tolerant and I keep telling myself that all people are different, but the vibes she emits - I can not, *can not* protect myself from that because I just feel the tension when she’s around. I know there must be a scientific explanation for what we call bad energy/good energy/good vibes/bad vibes/tension etc. and about how someone else’s personality or current psychological state can affect others. I know I’m not making this up because it happens all the time - one moment I’d feel relaxed and calm and happy or just neutral and then she comes around and this tension starts building up in the air like a mountain growing bigger and bigger. I just wish I was more immune to other people’s states or I knew a way to detach myself.

Oh, and since I’ve started writing on this topic let me get it all out - I think she’s a much more fun and relaxed person when she’s without him, and I think they are not good for each other, and I think he’ll be happier with someone else, and I think she’ll be more appreciated and better seen by someone else too. So there! Out it is.