Revolting Door

I had a fight with one of my best friends back home. It reminded me how much it sucks and hurts to have a fight with someone close to you. It’s nothing like having a fight with someone you don’t really care about that much. It’s having a fight with your past, with an older part of yourself.

I told her that sometimes she makes me not want to call her when I get back home, which makes going home an even more undesirable process. She totally went off on me and played all the dirty cards including “you’re not a real friend if you’re offending me like that” and so on and so forth.

I know I’ll call her when I go back and it’s all going to be fine again. But even though we did keep in touch over the past seven years, we couldn’t stop something major from changing. Being so close to someone is emotionally draining. I am not looking forward to long hours of conversation about mundane things. I am not looking forward to long hours of sitting on the couch with her wasting time watching sleazy pop-folk videos on TV. I am not looking forward to the back scratching she and her mom and her sister shower me with, leaving me feeling drained on the couch, with a mixture of embarrassment and undeserved sense of accomplishment.

We crave close relationships but when we get them we want to run away. Sometimes it’s just easier to live with people who are just not that into you. If it doesn’t get you depressed, it boosts your determination somehow. Another paraphrase of the old cliché “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”