Revolting Door

I’m going to call my hometown Monique. So I’m back in Monique, which is the third largest city of what I’m gonna call EECC.

My Dad has this desease. I hate writing it, I hate saying it and I hate thinking about it so I’m gonna finish this paragraph and probably never talk about it again. Or at least until it sinks in and I stop getting so upset when I think/write/talk about it. Grrr, I’m done talking about it for now. No, I’m not. I’m the daughter of a man who is getting close to being not entirely self-reliant. And I don’t want to get into the melodramatic descriptions I use so often. But I was sad yesterday. Ok, I’m done talking about this now.

Mom is telling me to be careful when crossing roads but she’s the biggest jay walker ever. She seems to be in good health and I hope it remains this way. I’m grateful.

Monique is not that bad. I expected worse.

I feel pretty stressed out about finding a job ASAP. I must’ve been living in some imaginary world where I was the queen and things just came to me. But if I don’t start earning money pronto, I’ll become one of those old ladies who live on $50 a month, talk to themselves and throw their cane at strangers in the grocery store.

Negative 33 Celsius. Sweeeet! Finally!! Been waiting for this moment since April.

I had a religious moment this morning in the car, after I came back from dropping off S at the airport at 5 in the morning, driving on frozen highways with gusting winds and temperatures so low that the non-freezing liquid that cleans the windshield had frozen. After I barely shoved the car in the snow-covered parking lot and turned it off, I put my palms together in the most sincere and heartfelt prayer I’ve said and meant in a long time, thanking whoever “God” is for keeping my ass safe on the road today. Then I got out and ran in the freezing wind from the parking lot to my house, and once I got upstairs and felt the cozy warmth and smell of fresh coffee I thanked for random things, in this particular order - having a home, a warm home (it really feels warm when it’s so cold outside), for my health, my healthy body, for the coffee smell. I’m typing this still with my coat on, debating whether I should go out and have a smoke.

More things to thank about keep coming to mind - the awesome people I’ve met lately, the amazing family I live with. Of course my parents, that’s a given to be always thankful for. But the people in my immediate life right now. The ones for whom I’m not the most important person in the world, but at the same time the ones that keep me happy and un-lonely and create this feeling/illusion that there’s someone who cares for me. That’s a great thing to have in one’s life.

Maybe I should just get some sleep and sober out.

This is why. Because let’s say I’m working on a project. I have Word open and I’m typing, writing a paper or whatever. Then my thought starts shifting and instead of writing about some company’s marketing strategy I start writing about my classmate who sits next to me, who I can’t help but respect, who I also feel a little sorry for, and who gives me this dreadful feeling inside. So after I have written a paragraph about her in my marketing strategy paper I feel obliged to come here and copy/paste this paragraph so it doesn’t get lost after I delete it from my paper.

So here goes it:

“She gets a kick of how much she is in control of her own life, of every single detail she’s doing – at her job, with her schoolwork, with her kids – and she also gets a kick of how well she’s juggling all of these three major chunks of her life, all three equally and perfectly well managed. I wonder how often she has sex with her husband. (Well, I don’t know - maybe she’s a tigress in the bedroom…) Even if you put the sex aside, I wonder how often this woman is really *having fun*. Almost everything about her intimidates me but one thing - her obvious lack of interest/time to take care about herself - bushy eyebrows, dead hair, kind of fat. I see myself telling this woman to chill out and sit back and relax and I even see myself dragging her to a spa for a day. Unfortunately she probably has no idea how well I can evaluate her and she thinks I’m some snotty unreliable missy.”

So for this very reason I am obviously not in charge of my own life, even without a job and without kids, and with paper unfinished, and late for the gym. Oh well