Revolting Door

December 12th seems too far away in time to wait out comfortably. At the same time - would I leave right now if I could? No.

Once again, I feel like I have no place in this world, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. There is the comforting pity that makes the feeling of not belonging soothing in a way, of course. But I have experienced the feeling of belonging over brief periods of time and I know that the happiness, joy and fulfillment you get out of it are much more heartwarming than the dwindling comfort of pity.

Transitions are easier when you know what you’re going to instead of trying to figure it out once you get there. And where is there anyway?

I try to convince myself that it’s more exciting this way, more adventurous. But really I’m afraid of people judging me - close people, people whose opinions mean a lot to me therefore I’d prefer to have their support rather than their judgment.

I made a list of the things in Chicago I would take with me if I could:
- A. as a friend
- Z. as a roommate
- super low rent (be careful what you wish for - this one might come true in the sense that an uncertain amount of time living with Mom and Dad might be awaiting)
- my exercise routine
- my friend I.
- my friend L.
- convenient public transportation/bikability/walkability of Chicago

I thought about how I can replace each of these things and I reached the conclusion that I’ll find a way to replace the routines with other routines but not the people with other people.

Mostly I’m scared of losing my support system - A’s love for me, and Z’s positive energy and “doer” attitude. I have to build up some positive energy and “doer”-ability in me to sustain myself over the few months (hopefully not years) of uncertainty following December 12th.