Revolting Door

I’m scared of waking up in the morning. It’s gonna be Monday morning, and I will still have no job. Scratch “still”. “Still” implies some kind of hope that I might have a job in the future. I have, in fact, lost such hope. Semi-educated retards don’t even want to hire me as a server.

Actually I’m not depressed. I have a list of things to do tomorrow, places to go, people to talk to. I’m hopeful, and yet, I know Hope came out of Pandora’s box. And whatever your Monday is, such will be your whole week. The only thing I really, honestly hope for, is to still be not-depressed when I wake up in the morning. Good night.

PS Maybe I should go back to school.

Relationships… Committed. Monogamous… A. and I were talking about Persephone the Queen of the Underworld, and he suggested that that is probably my understanding of a relationship – living in the Underworld. That metaphor - strikingly correct… Caged. Trapped. Suffocated. I become this other person. Dependent. Emotionally dependent. Completely and totally un-independent. Demanding. Testing the man constantly through deeds, scenarios and situations. It’s not that I like doing that, don’t get me wrong, I just can’t help it. Clingy. Clingy is a BIG one. You’re suffocated but you’re also suffocating. It’s like you’re suffocating your own existence but blaming the other. Is it natural? Are relationships natural? If you’re walking around the zoo on a warm sunny Sunday with only one other person, and you’re walking with the understanding that this is the only person you’re allowed to be with, and there are no kids and no friends to take the attention off of each other, wouldn’t you be bored out of your mind? Fidgety to get the hell out of that zoo trap? What an irony. Trapped people go to see trapped animals. A voluntary act of admitting your defeat. Without realizing it. Thinking you’re happy. Being happy. Are you really happy?  

In the end of each day, I tell myself, tomorrow will be different. Better. More productive. More active. More clear-minded.

Then the mornings are usually fine; lunches are fine too. But if I’m not out and about by the time early afternoon hits… the day is lost. The hours keep rolling… first it’s 2pm… then it’s 330… then it’s suddenly 5… and what have I done? Nothing. By the time 5 comes around, I’m too tired to even go to the gym. Tired of what, you may ask? Don’t ask.

I feel that there is so much that can be done but… At the same time all I do is *think* about it; none of the *doing* seems to get done… I tried to push myself - with violence and with peace - I tried to tell myself that I need two hard slaps in the face; and I tried to tell myself that I love myself. Nothing worked. Nothing works.

Night used to be my favorite time - right before I go to bed. Now I dread it. I dread it because I don’t feel sleepy but sleep because I don’t know what else to do. I dread it because I look forward to nothing in the morning that comes.

Bienvenue to the first summer day in Chicago!

Walking back from the restaurant I applied to this morning, bathed in sun and warmth, I was thinking how awesome it is to be single! I felt this burst of happiness, I felt free, being able to breathe without anything holding back parts of my breath, walking in the sun, a plan of the day ahead lined up in my mind. None of the sadness and broken-heartedness from three weeks ago. You don’t feel confined when you’re single, there’s no one you owe explanations to, you don’t feel the grip of undeserved guilt every time you talk to a male human being. God forbid if you flirt with them. And God knows flirting is the only means of communication I know when it comes to some male human beings. You don’t feel put in a box. You don’t have to put up with annoying habits. You don’t trip when he’s late or doesn’t show up. You don’t feel jealous or insecure or obsessed. You just feel carefree and light. You are simply yourself and you live and breathe the life you create for yourself because it is 100% what YOU want it to be.