According to Typealyzer my blog has an ESFP personality which makes me happy because this is the personality type in people I’m naturally most drawn to and maybe even the personality type I’d like to be if I could choose something other than my judgmental-artistic ISFJ/ISFP. I honestly thought my introvertedness oozed out of the pores of my blog like old sweat after a three-day no-shower spell.
ESFP
Every night in the past three weeks I’ve been going to bed with the same thought in mind - the thought of *that* night three weeks ago. I miss someone that’s entirely inappropriate for me (even though has the personality type the stupid website says is best for me), irresponsible, flaky and just lost in the clouds. A social butterfly that everybody loves and people are naturally drawn to. He can stand in the middle of a crowded club, alone, moving softly to the beat, and looking completely cool with his aloneness, knowing that in just a few seconds someone will be talking to him or he’ll be talking to someone. I liked the direction our friendship was going in (warm cozy easy-going naturally-evolving friendship. I like how he’s calling me “kiddo” even though he’s only seven years older than me) until I realized the enormity of the crush I have on this man and started acting cold and angry out of nowhere, without wanting to act like that but finding it impossible to stop. He distanced himself since then. I don’t know what’s next on our plate. I don’t know if we’ll be sharing any plates at all.
*Small correction (Jan 4th 09) This guy turned out to be an ENFJ. Which is also a perfect match for me according to the stupid website. The funny thing is how I miscalculated his type. I guess my judgment of people is not always 100% correct which is a good thing in the cases when people disappoint me:)
INTJ
Now that we can’t hang out every day we email each other big emails on average every other day (and I know he’s not a big email writer). I know this man would be a horrible match for me (the stupid website says he’s the exact opposite personality type of what’s best for me). We have an extraordinary connection - it’s intense, sparky and shy at the same time, I notice I’m happier when he’s around and our friends noticed that he’s happier when I’m around too; it’s a same wavelength connection basically but we’ve never even hugged except for when he was leaving and friends and neighbors were all hugging each other. I know if I start anything with this guy I won’t be bored, but I’ll lack emotional warmness, and most of all, I’ll constantly feel like I’m missing on something, because he’s not very social and that’s a turn off for me.
I wish I could have both - get high on the energy and positiveness and cozy cuddly warmness of my ESFP friend, and drown in intellectual discussions with the INTJ. It’s amazing how I have fallen for two entirely different people, so different it’s almost like different species. Then again, I imagine how awful I’d feel if I was one out of two for some guy. But then again, if I had to choose, I’d probably go with the ESFP over the INTJ any day.
I woke up early this morning after we stayed late last night opening gifts. I’ve been having the sniffles and a sore throat in South Florida and I can’t wait to get better so I can enjoy the sun and meeting some new people. Sitting on the swing out on the porch, listening to the neighbors waking up to a good old Tina Turner song, neighbor singing along “…who needs a heart when a heart can be broken” 
This and the palm trees and the cool ocean air, and the fact that it’s Christmas, I don’t know what to make of it all. It’s good. Except for the congestion. And the lifestyle of the family I’m staying with. They have run out of creativity and spark in their life. Watch too much TV, spend too much time at the computer, read too few books, drive everywhere, hardly ever exercise and their biggest meal of the day is the dinner. Man I made it sound horrible, it’s really not that bad cuz they’re not overweight or anything and they’re smart and relatively happy and fun people, the times I’ve visited them before. I think they probably just miss home. And have slipped down the slippery slope of typical American life including the consumerism part - last night they exchanged a lot of gifts I would honestly never like to get or keep in my house (if I had one :P). I recently read that one of people’s basic needs (along with food and shelter) is transportation. I think that’s what I miss here. I wish I had a car so I can go to the fucking beach at least. I feel a little trapped but I’ll make the most of it, ask for rides when I really need them. I’ve been reaching out to friends of friends through online and offline networking, trying to find people to hang out with, but really with the thought of asking for jobs in mind. I mean I really *do* want to meet new people and hang out and make new friends but getting a job and paying my loans is just more important right now. Or so I have chosen to think. The end of the year is somehow never the time I feel like honestly making recaps and resolutions.
Negative 33 Celsius. Sweeeet! Finally!! Been waiting for this moment since April.
I had a religious moment this morning in the car, after I came back from dropping off S at the airport at 5 in the morning, driving on frozen highways with gusting winds and temperatures so low that the non-freezing liquid that cleans the windshield had frozen. After I barely shoved the car in the snow-covered parking lot and turned it off, I put my palms together in the most sincere and heartfelt prayer I’ve said and meant in a long time, thanking whoever “God” is for keeping my ass safe on the road today. Then I got out and ran in the freezing wind from the parking lot to my house, and once I got upstairs and felt the cozy warmth and smell of fresh coffee I thanked for random things, in this particular order - having a home, a warm home (it really feels warm when it’s so cold outside), for my health, my healthy body, for the coffee smell. I’m typing this still with my coat on, debating whether I should go out and have a smoke.
More things to thank about keep coming to mind - the awesome people I’ve met lately, the amazing family I live with. Of course my parents, that’s a given to be always thankful for. But the people in my immediate life right now. The ones for whom I’m not the most important person in the world, but at the same time the ones that keep me happy and un-lonely and create this feeling/illusion that there’s someone who cares for me. That’s a great thing to have in one’s life.
Maybe I should just get some sleep and sober out.
It outrages me when I have to communicate with a guy who was once my friend, through his now girlfriend. It happens with more and more guy friends I have and soon I’ll be only communicating with pussies who don’t really like me but keep being hypocritically nice to me for the sake of my friendship with their boyfriend, and who are plotting how to remove all of his female friends out of his life to make their position there safe and secure. Ugh!
It outrages me because I’ve always had more guy than girl friends and now it seems like I’m losing more good old friends than I have time or desire to make new ones. Also, there’s nothing as good and sweet as a good old friend, be it a guy or a girl, and to top it all off, this development of circumstances makes me wary to make more guy friends now and in the future being afraid I will eventually lose them to some bitchy girlfriend. Yuk!
Could it be true that best friends from early life are the equivalent of significant others from adult life.
We all had that one best friend when we were seven, and we’ve all had that moment when that best friend was overcome with a jealous outrage because we became close friends with this other kid, and they threw a tantrum, there were tears, and everything that goes with it. Sound familiar? (Hint: when your wife finds out you’ve been getting emotionally close to somebody else even if you haven’t had sex yet let alone if you had)
When I was seven I had two best friends but they didn’t know each other and knew little of each other. One was from school, we used to share a desk until grade four. The other was from the neighborhood where my grandma lives. I’d play with my other best friend every time I went to visit grandma which was pretty much every weekend. Sound familiar? (Hint: your wife during the weekend and an affair during the week) In my seven year old mind the notions of cheating, betrayal, trust and loyalty weren’t completely developed yet but somehow I felt in my little-person’s consciousness that it was wrong to talk to one about the other, or to have them meet.
Until the age of nine I successfully managed to avoid confrontation. Then uncle gave me this cassette recorder as a gift. I started making mixed tapes and occasionally recorded my voice between songs. Sometimes I’d record myself singing, other times I’d record myself saying a greeting dedicating the next song to someone. I screwed up once when one of my best friends was visiting and there was a mixed tape playing. By the time I realized the approaching disaster, we were both sitting in silence, staring tensely into each other, listening to my recorded voice cheerfully dedicating the next song to my other “best friend”. I jumped up throwing myself at the volume control when it was way too late and the damage had already been done, just proving myself guiltier.
When I was sixteen I had six best friends. At that time I had matured enough to realize the ridiculousness of best-friend-ity so I just referred to all of them as very good friends. However, every time I had a good talk with one of them, the kind of talk where you pour your heart and soul out and so does the other person and you feel a lot closer, every time I told myself, THIS is my best friend. Until I had another such talk with one of my other “very good friends”. Sound familiar? (Hint: when you have amazing sex and an amazing connection with someone and you swear they’re the one until you have amazing sex and an amazing connection with someone else) My very good friends at sixteen were more aware of each other, they even met sometimes, some of them were friends, but with some it was never an anticipated event or a very fun one for that matter. [Sixteen was also a transitional period when I started seriously dating. But about this some other time.]
So I’m wondering, are these early childhood incidents signs of inherent polygamy? After all, so many of my peers had one and only one best friend. Not many but some friends in my adult life have one friend that’s their one and only best friend in the world. I can wholeheartedly say that I don’t have a best friend, I’ve never had less than two best friends at a time and I honestly don’t think it’s healthy to have one and only one person to serve that purpose. Well, except your Mother but the Mother is in a whole other category where friends don’t belong. Does the fact that I’ve never had one best friend mean I’ll never be able to choose one man over all the rest? Does it mean I’ll never be able to find everything of what I need in only one person?
What’s the Golden Middle between a one night stand and a relationship? Does such thing exist?
There are two guys I am interested in sleeping with these days. But I don’t want to have a relationship with neither one of them. But I also don’t wanna do any one night stands. So what am I left with? Fantasizing? Snuggling? Keep looking for relationship material while keeping it in my pants? There’s a risk in this because the longer I wait the more desperate I’ll get and the risk of going to bed with someone completely inappropriate rises the longer I wait.
But relationships. My ex asked me today, why not. Because we’ll eventually get bored of each other. Because he’ll probably lose interest after sleeping with me. Because I don’t want to get all insecure, jealous and paranoid. There’s none of this when you’re not involved with anyone. When in a relationship, however, qualities that you didn’t even know you had, surface and eat up your soul.
It was snowing quietly over our winter-white street, with winter-white houses and winter-white trees, when I came back home at 4am last night. Luckily this amazing couple gave me a ride home otherwise I would probably be freezing my ass off at some sorry train station until sunrise. It’s been one of many nights out this week.
As much as the winter wonderland in front of my home made for a big smile on my face and even made me spread my arms and turn a few times, looking up at the falling snow grinning like a moron at 4am, there was this feeling of irritableness lingering at the side of my consciousness. The same feeling was still present when I woke up this morning. It was this shitty, stupid feeling of being sorry for myself, sorry and bitter and angry at me, the kind of sorry, bitter and angry influenced by seeing what other people have accomplished. After the office party my “date” and this other couple and I went to my “date”’s apartment - a really nice condo he recently bought. It was immaculate, every detail of it, almost sterile with not one piece of useless stuff lying around, as if nobody lives there, but also lively with its sleek wooden floors, magnificent view, dimmed light, muted color walls, soft music and central heating bumped up to nearly eighty degrees, something I can only tearfully dream about in my shithole. A pizza was thrown in the oven, wine was poured, and wine tastes were being compared. This is my favorite wine… Oh I love it but it’s a little too dry for me… Yeah, you’d like the other one better, it has a fruity taste to it without being sweet, I know exactly what you’re talking about, you’ll love it… This one is cheap too, it’s only $20/bottle. Could you please SHUT UP and stop acting like a pretentious douchey connoisseur-wanna-be. Stop showing off your fucking success, based on your fucking entrepreneurial abilities, most likely trying to make up for your super tiny penis. (Note: I’m not oblivious to how pathetically bitter all this sounds. But there is more coming up!)
Last year, when I lived in a nice downtown condo, one of the reasons that made me sad and anxious was that I realized how temporary this living situation was and how my living standard was bound to go south inevitably.
The couple I met were very nice and down-to-earth people. She was obviously wearing the pants in the relationship, being extremely nice and respectful to her partner while having complete control over everything (I don’t know how some women achieve such a balance), beautiful and feminine in her black dress, revealing just enough shoulder and leg flesh to be classy without being skanky, and a great conversationalist on top of everything else. Her husband - a down-to-earth, chill and quiet guy with a soft voice, tall figure and beautiful face who couldn’t be more grateful for being with a woman like that, didn’t mind being walked all over and will most likely never cheat on her. Last night I was reminded how it *is* possible to arrive at a party scarcely dressed when it is three degrees outside. That luxury is possible due to the following sequence of materialistic possessions - one, a safe warm home, two, a luxurious warm car, and three, a warm destination with a warm garage where you park your warm car and never have to walk outside for more than a minute at a time. And when you spend, on average, a minute a day outside, you perceive the three degrees as something adventurous and exotic, a nice change even. A change from your dreadful overheated condo and car and workplace and gym and whatnot. Ugh all that comfort would totally get to my nerves too.