Revolting Door

Wouldn’t it be easier if we voiced our daydreams to the people we’ve been daydreaming about…

This morning I had the weirdest exchange of about fifteen emails with a married woman (supposedly) who replied to my purely platonic (and I mean it), female to female, massage ad on craigslist. By the eights or ninth email the conversation took a very well defined lesbian swing including bra sizes and details on hairstyle… and I mean *hairstyle*. I can’t believe this… It is the only reply from a female after several guy replies and it still couldn’t remain asexual. We are all a bunch of horny animals.

On my way to submitting my work permit docs I ran into the friend who’s not my friend anymore. I could’ve just walked around him and pretend I didn’t see him but I stopped and said hi and he actually seemed pleased to see me. What a retarded story. Remember - this friendship wasn’t real.

The work permit session took ages and as much as I enjoyed the stylish room with one brown wall, heavy wooden furniture and power point slides in dark pink, I was about ready to leave fifteen minutes into the session which lasted for two hours. Had coffee with two new girlfriends - one from my country and one from Russia. The Russian girl was sweet and had an exciting personality but the other girl seemed like a dull, hypocritical, judgmental person, and I felt yet again how much of a stranger I would be if I were to go back and live in my country. Thank you but no, thank you. I’m doomed to be a stranger everywhere I go. Or something dramatic like that.

Some skinny dude kind of asked me out in the gym and I hurried out. Congrats on having the courage to ask a girl out, etc etc but again - no, thank you. “Unless you have a boyfriend or you’re married…”, he said and I did take advantage of this and said I had a boyfriend.

This spaced out day ended with a bittersweet sale. I sold two Sigur Ros tickets and ended up not going to the concert myself. I was supposed to go with T and I didn’t wanna sit next to some stranger I just ripped off instead. So I sold the second ticket too. It felt sad… this was something like the last chance to do something that T and I would’ve enjoyed doing together (him more than me, let’s be honest). The truth is, if he didn’t tell me about this concert, I wouldn’t ever go and maybe even never know about it. After I sold the second ticket, I turned around and walked - slowly, pretending to be cool, although I wanted to speed up and run away fast - leaving the growing crowd behind, overhearing the people I just sold my tickets to meeting, laughing, figuring out that I just completely screwed one person over and gave a ticket to the other for super cheap:) They were a boy and a girl, young short tanned cute blond blue eyed college kids - it would be awesome if they get along. I’ve always liked to play matchmaker, there is something very satisfying in knowing that two people found love (or, cough, whatever they found) because of you.

The sun is shining indefinitely these days. It’s mild enough to not wear sunglasses but strong enough to feel warm and cozy sitting underneath it. I love this weather like no other. The streets last night were foggy but warm and peaceful, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like that, especially not in Chicago. If I were unable to experience temperature and just looked at our street last night - the fog, the little water drops hanging still in the air, the orange light from the streetlamps giving shape and volume to the quiet houses - you would think it’s a cold, cold November night. But it was warm! And peaceful! I was sitting downstairs for a long time, with my housemates and later without them, comfortable in my no-sleeve tee.

On Saturday I played tennis with two of my housemates. Everyone was out, soaking up these late September rays of sunny life. In the evening I went out with a friend from college and his brother. It wasn’t great but I guess it was something that needed to be done. Never really could find anything to talk about with the brother. Any topic I try to initiate, he wouldn’t take it seriously.

On Sunday I mostly read. Talked to Mom. She wasn’t sure what advice to give me about when school is over. Then my housemate and I went to the park and found a sunny spot to spread a blanket and read. The weather has been stably gorgeous for several days now, and it gives the illusion it’ll always be like that. Seriously, if I didn’t know the inevitability of seasons, I would believe we are forever safe in this paradise.

Except for worrying about classes, I’m fine these days, I think I can even probably say I’ve been happy. I think a big part of it has to do with keeping in touch with T. I am also reading a couple of good books (for once!) - Almost French, and The Red Queen - Sex And The Evolution Of Human Nature. I found out that it’s not impossible to read on the train and bus when you’re reading a good book (instead of Marketing Strategies or some crap like that). Also, I am living these wonderful sunny days in a house with no air conditioning and windows constantly open so even when I’m not outside I am still breathing fresh air and feeling the natural outside air against my skin. And going outside takes me ten seconds down the stairs! Instead of waiting for five minutes for the elevator in a dungeon-like neon-lit hallway just to find myself down under the train tracks, crowds pushing me and beggars assaulting me. I don’t know what the next few months will bring but for now I am really happy with my decision to move to this house and this neighborhood.

Last night I had a dream. T was trying to give me a back rub but no matter how he was doing it and what techniques he was applying, it never felt right. It wasn’t giving me the relief I normally want a massage for, and I was getting a little irritated that he couldn’t get it right. On the other hand I felt cozy and warm in his presence, happy he’s there; the scene in my dream is blurrily surrounded by soft gray-beige warmness, probably due to the two big cuddly comforters I sunk under last night. I just want to sink in my sadness, write about it, think about it – just take however long it takes to get over this

This morning I went to the gym. On the way I noticed the ankle bracelet he gave me still on my ankle, dangling over my sock and into my shoe. I stopped at a bench to remove it, afraid I might lose it. I kept holding it in my hand the whole way to the gym, and the whole way back, thinking about our friendship, trying to remind myself why we’re not great together, and generally being sad that our relationship just somehow didn’t work out and wishing that it did. It still seems too easy, even inviting, to call him and say let’s undo this. I still can’t or don’t want to believe I have to let go.

I know how sentimental and melancholic these posts sound but that’s how I feel and I can’t just stop being pathetic and start being awesome like an all too well known character from a favorite show.

Thirty eight days after I moved in to my new place we finally have legit wireless internet connection which is here to stay! (Presumably.)