Revolting Door

The next to last presentation for this quarter is over! I’m excited and drained out. There were four people in class who didn’t present tonight. The professor initially said that not everyone is required to do it, so some groups chose to have their assigned two or three people to do it. But now I’m glad I didn’t opt out because even though my voice was a little shaky at times and I didn’t do a great job, I know I would’ve felt a hundred times more like a failure if I was one of those people who sat in class and didn’t do it.

In my other class last week I did a much better job even though I was still nervous. I think that’s because I bonded with a lot of people from that class beforehand, so when I stood up in front of them and had to speak I felt less threatened and generally surrounded by a more supportive environment.

I can’t believe how much public speaking is condensed in this short summer quarter. There is one more presentation this coming Saturday, and then I have to move. It’s been fun being strong these past several weeks. But I’m kind of tired and I want to fall into someone else’s arms and let them be strong for me for a few days. As this is probably not going to happen, I will just keep living my life, enjoying it day by day and see where things go. I think I’m happy right now.

The meeting yesterday went much better than the previous one and much better than I expected. It seems like we finally bonded a little bit better.

Didn’t sleep well. Feel burned out today. Don’t want to/can’t do any school work. All I want is to go out and walk in the sun. Without anyone noticing me. Without the catcalls. Invisible. In the sun.

It’s been just a week but it feels like such a long time I haven’t been here.

The past few days it seems like I’ve been out a lot. It also seems like I’ve been alone a lot.

On Friday I met my friend (not sure if this is the correct word anymore) Beth. She was in town with her family. I felt alone while I was with these people. I was trying to be upbeat, social and to portrait this aura of “I don’t care about shit”. I guess I was trying to not do or say anything that would irritate her which is really stupid. I mean how old are we - 13? I met her sister which was nice. So after playing my role somewhat successfully I said bye in the midst of a family drama, and I started walking by the lake, chilly summer evening on the 4th of July. I walked and walked, couples on bikes passing me, skaters, kids on kick scooters. I walked for almost two hours until I finally got home - a trip that would normally take half an hour with the train/bus. I watched the fireworks from my bedroom window.

On Saturday something broke down completely. I came back from class a wreck. I cried for almost an hour and it would’ve gone on if I didn’t have to get on the train and go see this apartment. This girl in my class just has an obnoxious vibe. I don’t even wanna write about it because I might get upset again. Just the obvious fact that someone sees you as something you’re not and someone trying to take advantage of you when you’re weak… People trying to make someone else feel bad so they can feel good… All these things and more. Thankfully I went to a wine bar with some friends in the evening and it took me the whole evening to relax, despite of the laid back atmosphere in the bar, despite of the good wine and soft light and nice people. I finally felt better as we were walking home, me chewing on a mint leaf, tipsy and tired but more myself than I’ve been in the past week altogether.

Today. This photographer stood me up. The walk back was nice though. At least it was warm today. Now I have to catch up on school work because the women from my team are already submitting their parts and I haven’t started the research on mine.