Revolting Door

Ones of my favorite moments were when Beth and I met outside of school. We met in Pittsburgh and in Chicago on different occasions, both times she came to visit me. I loved the way people thought of us as a couple. Her attractive toned body, boyish beauty, short rusty-colored hair. We never fooled around or anything, maybe held hands a couple of times but only in a friendly way. We both realized what we looked like though. I loved how people thought we were dating without us even trying to convey anything like that - just by walking down the street, side by side, the way we slightly turned to face each other to be able to hear each other better over the noise of the city, the way we slowed down or even stopped to bring across a point that seemed really important at the time.

Last time I saw Beth I visited her back in school. We had an amazing first day catching up and a second day going straight down the hill of misunderstanding. It felt like one day of me was enough for her and she needed to move on to more important things in her life. She seemed to feel so much more grown up and mature after her experiences abroad, after finishing an unsuccessful relationship and moving on to an extroverted and persuasive guy. Basically everything I did that day annoyed her - the way I put a lot of coffee in the machine in the morning, the way I pronounced words, probably my voice. I knew the more reserved I acted the more I pissed her off because she seemed to think of herself as “evolved” and wanted to go out and socialize and meet people and be surrounded by people who laugh and make her laugh but I wasn’t that person then because I was tired and stressed out immensely for not being able to take a loan at that time. In fact I thought those two days were ones of my last days here, I was considering flying home unaccomplished and broke, but she didn’t seem to understand that or care because she doesn’t face any of these problems.

I sent her a packet of rich German coffee from home for her birthday. I thought, whatever will be will be, and I decided not to be disappointed if she doesn’t respond. And she didn’t. For a month and a half. She called last night and left a voicemail. I was happy to hear from her of course but I didn’t feel impatient to return the call. Her voicemail was truly nice but it was like from a slightly different person - no umms, no pauses of any sort, very consecutive and not disrupted train of thought, extremely together. Also louder voice (loud enough to understand every word), succinct good-bye. I think she thinks she’s surpassed me in some way and I have fallen behind. Or maybe I feel that way, I don’t know.

* * *

On a different note, sometimes I wonder if going back to Europe will bring me out of the slight deadlock I find myself into way too often here. I don’t know. Maybe I have to try but I still feel the time is not right. I’m not quite there yet. If I go now, I’ll come back, I know. I feel that the time will be right some time in the future, but I still don’t know when.

Thought number one: The past several days at work I realized I’m really good at finishing other people’s thoughts (really well) and I’m really bad at finishing my own.

Thought number two: Had I not gone to work today I wouldn’t have spoken to the web development director. Had I not gone to work today I wouldn’t have spoken to the senior marketing director and get the ball rolling on the paper I have to write about this job. (Web dir popped in mkt dir’s office telling her in front of me what a wonderful intern I am (whoa?!) at which point I didn’t know where to look because I don’t know how to accept praise -OR- criticism.) Oh and - had I not gone to work today I wouldn’t have found out that -ONE MORE- of my coworkers does art on the side -AND- has a show coming up this weekend.

I was -THIS CLOSE- to not going to work today.

Some company called one of my references to inquire information about me. Of course my ref told me right away and assured me she gave them an awesome ref. Then, just out of curiosity, I asked which was the company, because I stopped applying since I got my new job a month ago, and she said… my current company! My current company called my references a month after I started working there. I fretted over it for some time. They wouldn’t be calling a ref if I was doing a wonderful job, right? Then Tyler’s input - always positive when it comes to other people and negative when it comes to himself - put my mind at ease: “It might be just slow HR or something.”

I’m still wondering though. What incentive would an employer have to call a reference a month after they hire the employee if the employee is doing a great job? And then again, if the employee sucks, what would they gain from calling a reference - five extra points on sucking from a third party?

This week was hectic in terms of money flowing in and out of my bank account. On Monday I got the tax refund. On Wednesday I got the remainder of the loan. And on Friday I got my first (tenth first) paycheck. And then I payed my credit cards which were all maxed out. So in the end my bank account looks the same way it did on Monday. But paying the credit cards is a pretty big deal even though they were payed with loan money. Oh the irony.