Revolting Door

No matter how well you do something, no matter if you’re the guru of Flash or the king of foreplay, if you’re not consistent with it, people don’t take you seriously or are eventually disappointed in you.

So what if I can do the most amazing, classy, graceful website if I want to, but I do it once a year, and every time the mood strikes me to do it, I spend weeks relearning Dreamweaver and Flash. Not to mention the frustration of something once learned and then forgotten.

And what if you’re the most romantic, caring, understanding and sweet person whenever the mood strikes you but the mood strikes you few times a year. How do you deal with the emptiness of something once had and then lost.

Warmly greeted by the front desk recipient I sat in the waiting area, soft light around. The tension gradually subsided and by the time the HR person came to get me I was feeling much more comfortable and at ease.

They didn’t let me start today, despite my explanation that I want to get introduced to my job and start thinking about my projects. Instead I start on Wednesday, an hour after I get my permit. I don’t know if the low expectations I had are the reason I found these people really nice, or because they work for some meaningful cause, although as much as I don’t want to admit it, for most of them this is probably just a job like any other. I guess I’ll find out by June.

Funny thing, I think subconsciously I was very quiet during the past two days - at dinner on Saturday (seven people at yummy Thai/Sushi restaurant), and at lunch on Sunday (soothing hot soup in an enormous bowl and a hot coffee with condensed milk at this Vietnamese restaurant), saving my extroverted energy for Monday morning. And yes, the half an hour I spent there went really well

Right now I feel like I’ve been given the next two free days as a gift - a sunny gift I’ll try to make the most of.

Today was the first sunny and warm day in our beautiful but too busy industrial city. Friends are visiting. We got up late, had coffee at home, and then took the bus to this awesome brunch place bursting with life, blue, yellow and silver interior, and pancakes with berries. After that we walked for a long time by the water, sat in the sun, caught up with each other’s lives and light social issues, and kept walking, meshing with the tourists, and taking pictures of each other as if we don’t live in this city. I topped it all off with back-pain-relieving work out in the gym, and a leisurely walk home, warm late afternoon sun in my face. Back home my friends were sitting in our spacious living room, chatting, the air filled with fresh spring warmth coming from the open balcony door, and the scent of a recently smoked cigarette.

I gave my two week notice on Wednesday, without being sure whether I’ll get the internship or not. Friday morning I got the internship. I start a week from this coming Monday. It’s related to my concentration, and also counts as a class towards my grad school program. Next thing I have to find a summer job. I don’t know what, but I know where - here or DC.

Today I finally did something that’s been lingering in the back of my mind for a long time as a short term relief option to my physical misery at work.

It was lunch hour and on my way back from getting food to-go I stopped by at the bar and ordered a Long Island. There were many people in the bar around lunch time, slouching over the bar, sipping, watching the big TVs up high on the walls, everyone in their own world, so I didn’t feel awkward, and I didn’t feel alone. After I signed my receipt (stupid thing probably paying with credit card for this but whatever will be will be) and took the first longed for medicinal gulp, I waited for the bartender to go to the other side of the bar, opened the lidded strawed empty non-transparent soft-drink plastic cup I had politely asked for at the to-go lunch place, poured my drink in it as if I do this every day, and off I went back to work.

For those of you who may some day read this and think I’m an alcoholic let me clarify-

My drinking habits consist of drinking a glass of wine every once in a while. I don’t really like beer, and if I ever drink vodka, I drink it mixed in a cocktail and in small amounts. Of course I’ve been drunk like almost everyone, but I take pride in how well my brain handles alcohol - so well that even when I’ve been really drunk, I’m still the one who takes my friends home and they can’t even tell I’ve been drinking. It’s a whole other thing how my stomach handles it and of that I’m not proud but usually after I take my friends home I spend the rest of the night and the following day until around 5PM throwing up. Therefore I avoid hard liquor. But hard liquor in small amounts has proven to be the best (and only one so far) short term pain relief. I resolve to it only after I’ve spent all other options - stretching, exercise, back rub, going for a walk, Excedrin, Tylenol, Ibuprofen.

So because my job requires sitting all day, and because this is exactly the kind of activity (or lack there of) I should be avoiding, I resolved to that Long Island today. I don’t feel like I’ve done something wrong. If that’s what they want me to do - sit all day - even after I told them my back hurts, that’s what they’ll get. It’s bad not only for people with my condition, it’s bad for completely healthy people too. No one cares if you’re miserable from pain, all you have to do is sit there like an idiot all day (or walk around the building for 5 minutes - let me tell you that doesn’t help), smile like an idiot and say hi to arrogant retards who don’t notice you when you’re there but notice when you’re gone because there’s no one to alphabetize their name tags, and do their stupid meaningless projects. Basically you beat up your health for ten dollars an hour, get older faster, and want to scream and cry from pain when you come home.

I haven’t posted in a while. Which obviously means one thing - I haven’t been to work in a while. Last time I went was Monday March 17th, I was an hour and a half late, and left an hour and a half early, completely exhausted of everything and leaving my supervisors bewildered. That Wednesday I didn’t go and didn’t even bother to call. That’s when my semester ended too. The next day, Thursday, marked the official end of this whole craze at a hospital with a needle stuck in my vein for four hours, drawing blood every half an hour. Not as bad as it sounds… just a paid study I participated in… for money. (a colon and a capital “p” would follow here in a casual conversation)

Since then life has been good, mostly. I rested a lot, went to my college town for a few days, quiet and relaxing, spent time with some good old friends.

Classes started again today. Surprisingly class was good tonight. I enjoyed it despite that it was intense. Work starts on Thursday. I have an offer for an internship related to my concentration, and I even got permission to take it instead of a required class, which is a big deal in my school, but the internship dates don’t match the dates on my potential work permit. I really don’t wanna waste my time in my old job. I know one whole day spent there and my current happiness, excitement and motivation about this new beginning will be gone, vanished, replaced with foggy brain, back pain, and apathy. I don’t wanna have the conversation of why I didn’t go to work that Wednesday. I don’t wanna work the schedule they gave me. I just wanna give my two week notice tomorrow. That’s it.