No other word describes better the way I feel these days. I couldn’t be asking for more signs that whatever I’m doing is not right. Even though it’s my place of birth, I can’t go back to the Old Continent without having something lined up. It’ll be just another disaster.
“[Boss of sorts],
I’m sorry but I don’t feel good about my decision about the new schedule. I already did two compromises to accommodate [turd of a coworker] but I’m tired of making compromises just to avoid conflict. Can we meet again?
RD”
I didn’t send out this email. But I wanted to. I thought I was fine with my decision but the more I thought about it that afternoon the angrier I got. I didn’t wanna continue causing inconveniece but on the other hand none of my interests were met. I know I’ve already established myself as the most problematic person in the office, and I quite frankly wouldn’t care if it wasn’t affecting me negatively.
This time it’s not the people. It’s the nature of the work. But because of the work my relationships with people suffer too much. I mean we’re not a great team at all, but they’re OK. Boring (obviously - since they don’t mind working these jobs) but OK. I’ve been on a better team in the past, and I’ve enjoyed another job more (I mean I’ve enjoyed another job, period), and I’ve had the shittiest of managers, so I know for sure it’s not the people - it’s the job.
Of course, it’s me, too. I’m too proud to leave. I become a bad communicator when I’m frustrated and tired. But I need the money no matter how cliche this sounds. It’s not a lot of money though. I’m not sure if the amount of time I spend there wasting my time and feeling miserable justifies the amount of money they give me. Probably not.
I have a big problem accepting the way people are perceived in this kind of environment. Like some living resources for getting some boring shit done. That’s even what it’s called: Human. Resources.
I have to admit I bullshitted a lot at the interview. They asked me very specific questions about experience with excel. - “Yes, I do have a lot of experience with excel! *enormous grin*” They asked if I have experience with databases. - “I do have some experience but I’m SURE *enormous grin* that I’ll be able to do whatever you guys need me to do with databases *enormous grin* and I’m so excited to be given the opportunity to enhance my database skills EVEN MORE! *32-teeth-reveal” I was almost jumping up and down on my chair with fake excitement at this point… Unfortunately, I’m not able to act for more than half an hour per week.
Some people answer unknown numbers. Other people screen. I screen almost always. Very rarely there would be an instance when I feel so ready to speak to anyone I would pick up an unknown number. Sometimes I even screen my friends.
I went to a career fair yesterday. One of those events where there are over a hundred employers present, thousands of people circulating around, exchanging millions of germs while delivering their 20-second self-selling pitches over and over and over again. That’s the kind of event I find the closest to a massive orgy, without taking any clothes off, in fact everyone is dressed up in their most professional suits in the most boring colors. The sluttiest thing to do after prostitution, and yet you get no money out of it.
But that’s not the point. So this company called me today to sign me up for an information session next week, and I screened. Then I called back and left one of the most retarded messages a human can leave. I’m pretty sure out of the “Most retarded voicemails in human history ever left”-list 75% are mine. But that’s not the point either. When they called me back, the girl on the phone was like “I’m sorry we missed your called, but earlier you missed ours when we called, so something something something…” so I’m wondering, does every little thing you do that’s against the socially acceptable norms eventually backfire at you? And if it does, how long does it take for you to realize that?
In this connection, a misunderstanding at work didn’t get me fired yesterday, but I’m sure it added a thick layer (maybe the paddy) to the hamburger it takes one to build in order to get fired.
I’m happy that I’ll be hanging out with my friends this weekend, and I’m thankful for feeling much more energetic, cheerful, sexual and overall happy ever since the four days of fever I endured a few weeks ago. “Developing a fever gives the immune system a boost[…]”