RevoltingDoor

Everyone in my household is depressed and irritable today, including the cat. Relative to everyone else, I feel like the happiest person! Who would think…

This morning, as I walked out of my room, I noticed what A had written on the white board on the fridge “Recession = Depression = 37″ (his age) Trying to disregard this joyous morning start, I headed for the bathroom and ran into S who was crying. A and S are a brother and a sister.

Five minutes later M (who is usually happy) got irritated at me because *he* couldn’t understand what *I* was saying. Followed by a cranky F trying to bite my ankles.

Surprisingly I feel hopeful this morning, typing this in a room bathed in sunlight.

I wrote the lamest homework last night. Then I sent the most retarded message to a person I don’t even know - an art director in a big company in the city. I like your work, here is my work, why don’t you hire me. Wtf. Sometimes I really forget I don’t live in an ideal world and act on impulses that would normally contribute to the plot of a mediocre romantic comedy but not to real life.

Right now it’s 2C degrees outside, a little windy, and the sun is shining through my bedroom windows. The space heater is on “Economy”, and set on the fourth out of the five levels of warmness. I’m a little cold but I’m engrossed into writing a big paper for Peter’s class so the chilliness is bearable. The cat is curled up in an irresistibly cute fur-ball in the sunny corner of my bed. I can literally feel my brain working out, and I regret that I usually need to have some kind of assignment to get it to work out this hard. I wish I was more self-starting…  

You have to tolerate weird people for having their own ways to deal with what’s not great in life.

I have to put down this blog. It makes me sick reading most of this crap.

I woke up at 4AM tossing and turning. Thoughts of loans, lack of security, lack of a job, fear of the approaching winter. Somehow everything seems easier when it’s warm. On top of that I’ve been a little sick these days and the feeling that no one cares for me is always heightened when I’m sick. It felt cozy and warm when I woke up though. The occasional wind gust making the trees outside my bedroom windows go shhhhhh… and then stop. Behind the old shades, not entirely covering the windows, I could see the night - dark blue with a hint of orange coming from the lamp posts. It’s amazingly warm for October, so warm that it scares me how much longer it’s gonna last. My nose was stuffy and my throat hurt a bit although not as much as last night. I got up and went to the restroom, not feeling sleepy at all. With lights off, bathroom window open to the neighbors’ roof, I took my time, breathing, taking in the autumn warmth through my congested system. Then I sat here where I’m sitting right now and updated my profile on a couple of job websites. What’s been scaring me in the past few days is how almost impossible it is to find a job online, it’s all about freaking networking.

Our landlord cut some of the branches of the trees that are right outside our house so now I get a lot more sunlight in my bedroom.

Wouldn’t it be easier if we voiced our daydreams to the people we’ve been daydreaming about…

This morning I had the weirdest exchange of about fifteen emails with a married woman (supposedly) who replied to my purely platonic (and I mean it), female to female, massage ad on craigslist. By the eights or ninth email the conversation took a very well defined lesbian swing including bra sizes and details on hairstyle… and I mean *hairstyle*. I can’t believe this… It is the only reply from a female after several guy replies and it still couldn’t remain asexual. We are all a bunch of horny animals.

On my way to submitting my work permit docs I ran into the friend who’s not my friend anymore. I could’ve just walked around him and pretend I didn’t see him but I stopped and said hi and he actually seemed pleased to see me. What a retarded story. Remember - this friendship wasn’t real.

The work permit session took ages and as much as I enjoyed the stylish room with one brown wall, heavy wooden furniture and power point slides in dark pink, I was about ready to leave fifteen minutes into the session which lasted for two hours. Had coffee with two new girlfriends - one from my country and one from Russia. The Russian girl was sweet and had an exciting personality but the other girl seemed like a dull, hypocritical, judgmental person, and I felt yet again how much of a stranger I would be if I were to go back and live in my country. Thank you but no, thank you. I’m doomed to be a stranger everywhere I go. Or something dramatic like that.

Some skinny dude kind of asked me out in the gym and I hurried out. Congrats on having the courage to ask a girl out, etc etc but again - no, thank you. “Unless you have a boyfriend or you’re married…”, he said and I did take advantage of this and said I had a boyfriend.

This spaced out day ended with a bittersweet sale. I sold two Sigur Ros tickets and ended up not going to the concert myself. I was supposed to go with T and I didn’t wanna sit next to some stranger I just ripped off instead. So I sold the second ticket too. It felt sad… this was something like the last chance to do something that T and I would’ve enjoyed doing together (him more than me, let’s be honest). The truth is, if he didn’t tell me about this concert, I wouldn’t ever go and maybe even never know about it. After I sold the second ticket, I turned around and walked - slowly, pretending to be cool, although I wanted to speed up and run away fast - leaving the growing crowd behind, overhearing the people I just sold my tickets to meeting, laughing, figuring out that I just completely screwed one person over and gave a ticket to the other for super cheap:) They were a boy and a girl, young short tanned cute blond blue eyed college kids - it would be awesome if they get along. I’ve always liked to play matchmaker, there is something very satisfying in knowing that two people found love (or, cough, whatever they found) because of you.